Once I had my daughter, I stopped needing/wanting/asking what date it was. I sort of knew for when my daughter was this week or that month, but mostly I was too busy to care, didn't need to know or didn't want to know. Being a stay at home Mom was nothing but pure joy for me. I can honestly say I have never in my life been busier but I've also never been more content. There was trial and error. There were days when it was hectic, but at the end of the day I was where I wanted to be. I was a stay at home Mom. I just wish I could say that my gig was permanent. This is why I didn't care to know the date some of the time, especially when I knew the weeks, days and minutes was looming closer and closer to when I was going to have to go back to work.
I have nothing against my job. I find it challenging, my co-workers are wonderful, the company itself is the best company I have EVER worked at and the commute wasn't even that bad. All in all, because I have to work at this point in my life the job isn't bad at all. I just felt like I was abandoning my little baby girl and doing something that wasn't 100% me. I was genuinely happy cleaning the house, taking care of a newborn and coming up with fun activities for my son. Some Moms would go crazy doing that day in and day out or feel like they need a greater purpose in something outside the home. It wasn't always sweet smelling roses for me but if you ever felt the feeling that whatever you were doing or where ever you were was perfect for you, you wouldn't want to give that up. I know I'm not the first or the last Mom to feel like this. I just am venting and sympathizing with all moms that goes through this range of emotion.
When I returned to work the first week, I cried. I had some ugly morning cries where I thought I was going crazy. I knew I needed a job to do. I knew that I was given the job that I was at for a reason. It was where I had to be. I knew my daughter would be okay. I knew the teachers she had and the activities she would do (however few because of her age) but it really didn't help. I was and still am in this emotional rut that I keep playing tug of war with. My brain knows that logically I need to work, but my heart aches something awful.
Thankfully I'm able to pull early shifts at my job just to be with my kids earlier. Believe me, I'm not early morning person. I kick ass at whatever I'm doing job wise because that is who I am. However I don't live to work, I work to live. As soon as the clock hits the mark when I can leave, my computer is off and I'm out there almost running to my car to pick up my babies. I am by them as soon as I can. I don't stop at the store for myself. I want nothing but to see the sweet smiling faces of my babies.
I'm going through a crappy phase right now of emotions. I know it will get better as time goes, but the yearning won't. I know where I belong. I know what my dream is. Maybe it isn't big dreams to some, but being with my kids is the best thing I could ever do. I know that in life I'll probably never be rich in terms of a huge house and material things but God has graced me with something more valuable then stuff, I have two beautiful kids. God willing I will have more. I'd always choose children over having that extra designer purse or having monthly pedicures at the salon. Being surrounded by my family is what makes me happy.
So for all Moms out there struggling with what I'm feeling, I get it. I sympathize with it. I wish they had better maternity for our country. I know that going back to work is one of the hardest days ever for some of you. I won't say going back to work will ever be easy no matter how many pictures you print out or how many times you call the day care to check up on your baby(ies). It stinks. The only thing that has gotten me through the hard days is to remind myself I'm a Mommy first and that you're doing what you're doing for your kids. Pray for them during the day. Plan what you'll do with them that day or during the upcoming weekend. Pray for yourself for strength and courage.
Hugs to you all.
8 hours ago