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Thursday, July 21, 2011

Romance Changes...or has it?

The other day I ran across a hand written note in my wallet that my husband gave me in 2005. Yes, I have had my wallet that long. It was written a year before we got married, while we were still dating. It was a beautifully written note with an outpouring of love and adoration my husband (then boyfriend) felt about me. Reading the letter made my heart smile. I remember those days. The days of chasing, sneaking phone calls, long hand written notes, lots of dates and fawning over each other. I thought about it for a moment how I wouldn't mind going back to those days for just a little while to appreciate our lone dates and our lack of responsibilities. I wondered if our romance has died a bit as well. Then I thought about it some more and although it has curtailed a bit, its still quite alive.

I remember my husband, my stone faced Russian man singing The Wedding Singer song that I embedded above when we were dating and how I wished all of that to be true someday. It did ring true. He has done that and more for me. I can't tell you how many times he's done the silliest of things to make me smile and how quiet he is on a lot of things but is absolutely hilarious. He has taken care of me on my sickest of days by protecting me from stress and going out during any hour of the day to get medicine for me. The man has fixed our A/C countless of times and made fires in the fireplace whenever I asked just because I was cold. He has given up his coat, socks, and even the shirt off his back when I've needed it and despite my girly request for television that he dubbed boring, he'll sit there and watch it with me. He's no stranger to the kitchen either by cooking lots of yummy meals and doing the dishes without me nagging. I'm no drinker but the times I've had a little more then one drink (which is all it takes to get me drunk) he's taken care of me.

In his letter he wrote in 2005, he promised me a life of love and family which he has given me. I don't care about being rich or having material things. It never mattered to me. I wanted a life where I was in a comfy home, had children surrounding me and a husband that truly loved me. I have it. He's given to me what he promised. We're still romantic in the teenage sense. We don't chase each other since thats a bit hard to do while we're living in the same house, but he does make sure I'm okay where ever I am. We do still sneak phone calls during the day while we're at work. We write multiple emails a day to each other about random things going on in our lives, at work and sometimes to say sorry for being grumpy that morning. We aren't all over each other 24/7 but we still take time for us. We still have awesome make out sessions like teenagers. I still smack his butt while he's walking by from time to time. I still love gazing at him until he asks ,"WHAT???". I love his smell, the way he holds my hand and the way he looks at me with those beautiful green eyes.

Romances changes a bit when you get older, have kids, and responsibilities. It doesn't mean that it dies , at least not if you let it. You have to see it differently I think. Sometimes the random installation of a light or helping you out with a project is just away of him telling you he loves you. It doesn't have to be hand written cards, jewelry and flowers. Love, mature love is more then that. Its figuring out how each others ticks and what we need in life and helping each other with that. It isn't about trying to be something we aren't or trying to fit in with hallmark definition of love. Love is just being there for one another and knowing that in life its you and him against the world.

Friday, July 1, 2011

A Mom Is

A Mom Is:

  • Living for the first months of your child's life never having a clean shirt on.
  • After meticulously cleaning everything, you look behind you and everything just about has been undone.
  • Rushing out after a hard day of work just to start an even harder job so you can see smiling faces.
  • Having a stash of secret sweets just for you
  • Knowing what love at first sight really means.
  • Coming to grips that the body you used to complain about before birth actually was quite nice and that you probably won't ever get that body back. Furthermore, you don't care as much because having a perfect body just isn't as important anymore.
  • Your money becomes the kids money and in most cases you enjoy spending that money on them more then you would ever enjoy spending it on yourself.
  • Knowing what true sacrifice is
  • You slap yourself upside the head when you think back about how you "knew everything" about parenting before you had kids.
  • You appreciate your parents more.
  • You learn how something in your life to do's has to give and usually its your house.
  • Sleeping late is 8am.
  • Eating out at restaurants gives a whole new meaning to being a talented multi tasker; eating, while feeding a baby, wrangling a child from running away and holding a conversation with your husband all at once.
  • Appreciating conversation and a quiet meal.
  • Loving something more then you love yourself
  • Answering a million "why" questions a day.
  • Boogers, poop, pee and vomit are not as gross. It is still disturbing but not as grossly surprising as it once was.
  • Getting up half a dozen times from the dinner table before you actually put the first bite of food in your mouth
  • You no longer have a first name. You are now so and so's Mom.
  • Once you think you've hit your most embarrassing moment, your kid will top it ten fold.
  • You appreciate the imagination and innocence of a child's mind first hand.
  • You learn the power of what a mad Mama bear possesses.
  • Reliving part of your childhood by getting out old favorite toys, watching old favorite kid shows and getting toys for your kids that you wish you had when you were young.
  • Having zero time for idiotic people that don't forgive or hold grudges. Really? Yeah, I don't care.
  • Catching yourself Mommying others...even adults.
  • Quickly learning bathroom activities are no longer private.
  • Staying out late is 11pm.
  • Learning who your true friends are.
  • Discovering there is a whole new level of tired.
  • Finding an excuse to color again and realize how therapeutic it is.
  • Knowing that running errands takes twice as long.
  • Seeing all babies are miracles
  • Finding your voice if you didn't have one before you had kids.
  • Having deeper empathy and greater understanding of the kind of pain parents go through that have lost their children
  • Being able to recite several of your child's favorite shows by heart.
  • Catching yourself singing or humming theme songs to various shows like Elmos World, Little Einstein, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Imagination Movers.
  • Realizing your child is the most hilarious comedian you know.
  • Discovering a child become mobile way too fast.
  • Realizing God has one heck of a sense of humor.

Where I should be

Today, just as I started to feel better about my contributions to working and all that jazz, I had another moment of clarity. Another moment where I feel like I am not where I should be.

I was on my way to my free lunch with my co-workers. We were having an adult conversation, going to eat an adult lunch and actually have silence in between conversation. I usually welcome that. Hell, that kind of lunch is a treat for me...or at least I thought it was. The saying goes, there is never a thing such as a free lunch.

It wasn't until we passed a day care with children playing outside that I wished I was on my way to get my son so we could play at the various playgrounds we go to. I saw a Mom nearby pushing her two children in a stroller and wish, just WISH I could be doing the same thing. I no longer wanted my quiet, peaceful adult lunch. It was costing me time and energy away from those I love more then life itself.

It is simple really. Not simple minded as some who are pretty simple minded themselves would think. I don't belong where I am at. I'm intelligent enough to train myself, do my best with tech talk and have my boss praise my accomplishments and dedication. I just feel lost. I don't feel genuine. I feel like I am lying to myself every day pretending that doing what I am doing is okay and its not okay.

I know parents who need to go to work and who love to work. Its just who they are and I don't think anything bad about it. Its what works in their family. However I'm the opposite. I'd rather work the harder job being home with the kids. Not missing the bit of pieces they experience throughout the day. I just painfully miss my children.

I'll continue to work hard at what I do. Thats a given. My job right now is to go outside the home. I know its something I must do and I work hard at being an awesome employee. I just wish I wasn't kicking and screaming inside while doing it.