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Saturday, March 24, 2012


From my last post you could certainly tell I was one scared and anxious person. I didn't know what exactly to expect. I was scared that something would go seriously and horribly wrong. I am happy to say that the LASIK surgery was successful but I wish I had gotten it done sooner.

On the day of surgery I was working from home that morning. I did everything and anything I could to keep busy. I was thankful for having some work to do but I was so nervous I had to repeat some of the same tasks over again after reviewing prior to sending them out because I wasn't thinking 100% clearly. I was over anxious even with my husband holding my hand every so often.

When we got to the surgery center, I was almost in a state of panic. I was thinking how I could dart out the door and hide in the nearest bush so no one could find me. It was ridiculous, but I was scared. I don't remember being that scared or anxious ever...even when I had my babies. I just sort of knew everything was going to be fine when I had my kids. With my first I had no idea what to expect and with the second as long as I got the beautiful epidural then I was fine...even with two days in the ICU. I didn't wait long unti they called me back to put me in a exam room. The nurse went over all my medicine, last minute questions put drops in my eyes and gave me my happy pills. The doctor then came into the room, examined my eyes (I think..this part is foggy) and asked if I had any last minute questions. I had a few that I couldn't remember from my video and other meetings like when I could wear makeup again (after a week) or when I was able to shower. For some reason I thought they didn't want you to shower, but they just said to be careful not to put soap in my eyes. The nurse came in one more time and told my husband and I that I needed to take it easy for the next week or so. No grilling, no vacuuming, no tanning beds, no dusting, etc., I was fine with that!

Next they put me in a dark room to relax. It had a waiting chair for your guest and a lounge chair for you. A monitor played nearby with a looping image of a beach with the sound of waves splashing on shore. I was paranoid as all hell. I was scared. I kept hoping the drugs they gave me would put me in an almost zoned out didn't. The paranoia got worse as I SWORE the screen they played was one of those internet videos where you watch a calming clip and at the very end something jumps out and scares the crap out of you. Hubby brought up the fact the doctor looked like the crazy doctor from a Cruz movie that took out an eyeball. He got mad stank eye for that and I told him to tell me about a nice memory. He did as he was told. He knew at that point there was no messing with me. Then the doctor asked if I was ready and called me back. I told him no. HA!

I got up anyways and headed out the door while my husband went to the waiting room. I was laid down on the operating table. It wasn't a metal cold table you would see in the movies. It was like a semi-cushy doctor table. They put a wedge under my legs so I would be comfortable and handed me a stuffed Nemo to hold. I felt a bit ridiculous holding a stuffed animal for comfort, but as the seconds went on I was glad I had something to hold onto. The doctor put in some more drops and then came the dreaded eyeball holder. I was thinking it would be painful and REALLY uncomfortable, but it was not. It was a little pressure but no more then you putting slight pressure on your eye with your wrist. It was just a bit weird. Then they put the machine over your face and at first I thought I'd have some claustrophobic issues with something that close to my eyeball. After all I HATED that puff machine at the eye doctors. It was nothing like that. It was quick and not as annoying as the puff machine. When they cut the flap it looked like I was staring at a constellation. It wasn't that scary gray that they said you would see. It was like staring at a night sky and actually a little peaceful. As paranoid and scared as I was, it was a relief that I wasn't panicky. Then again, they had my eyeball in a suction thing and I wasn't moving around with them cutting flaps on my eyeballs. After the first flap was cut they told me to close my eye and they put gauzy tape over my eye and then repeated the process with the other eye.

Once both eyes were cut they pivoted me over to the other machine. I looked up and saw a blurry laser light and heard a clicking noise. They told me to keep staring at the light which I did. I smelt what was a faint smell of burning hair and the doctor put more drops in my eyes and looked like he used some small feather/fan tool to put my flap back down. He then repeated this process with the other eye. At NO time did I feel a damn thing. As paranoid and freaked out as I was, it was VERY quick and I didn't feel that nature response to run out of there. The puff machine at the eye doctor was TEN times the annoyance and intensity LASIK was. If you remember the machine that you look at with the hot air balloon...its kind of like that. Its easy, painless and quick.

After I was done, the doctor sat me up and I was brought to a chair in the operating room. I could see! I could see the clock across the room. It was a little foggy, but it was marvelous!!! The doctor re-examined my eyes with that microscope tool they use at the regular eye doctor and told me I did great. He took a picture with me and I was out of there. My husband who heard me walking out of the operating room met me half way and told me I was in there no more then 10-15 minutes. I put the sunglasses they gave me and walked with my husband, holding his hand to the car. It wasn't that I couldn't see because I could, but I needed that extra reassurance to guide me to the car so I wouldn't trip or anything.

When I got into the car, I had my tylenol PM waiting for me with a drink. I took three of them. I have never taken tylenol PM before in my life so I figured that would do the trick. Boy did it ever! I went home, put the prescribed drops in my eyes which was a little scary. It started to sting ever so slightly so I put the numbing drop they sent me home with. I was glad I did since I wouldn't be able to use it except for that one period of time before I go to bed. The Tylenol PM started kicking in, I put the goggles on my eyes and passed out. It felt like I slept for five minutes when my husband woke me up telling me it had been three hours and that I needed to put more drops in my eyes. He had the drops waiting for me and told me which ones to put in. He later brought me dinner and we went to bed at our usual time.

In my days following my procedure, I have found that my eyes are incredibly sensitive to light. Its normal though. I just live like a vampire during the day and wear the glasses the LASIK doctors gave me when I go outside. I have actually been thankful for overcast days and a rainy weekend. Even bright restaurants like Five Guys is a bit painful for my eyes, so I would highly recommend going to low lit restaurants if you MUST go out.

A few things that I would highly recommend that made my procedure easy:

- Get all prescriptions WAY in advance. Its just nice knowing there wasn't anything to do last minute. You need them the day before anyways to get your meds started with your eyes

- Buy Tylenol PM. Someone gave me that piece of advice and I was so thankful I had NO trouble going to sleep in the middle of the day. I shouldn't of taken so much, but it certainly made me sleep well.

- If possible, have someone be your medicine helper. I was glad my husband had the sheet of paper with all the drops I had to take. He told me which ones to put in my eyes and then reminded me that day to put additional drops in my eyes. It was just nice to have.

- If you're doing this in the middle of the work day, take the next day off for yourself or really don't plan anything huge the next day. I was sleepy and just wanted to rest. I think the stress wore me out but I also was weary of my eyes. I wanted to rest them as much as possible. Plus you have the follow up appointment the day after.

- I probably didn't 100% need it, but I was glad someone else drove me to my day after appointment with my eye doctor. I didn't want to be apprehensive on worrying if I could drive myself.

-Wear comfy clothes on the day of surgery that you can sleep in. I wore a t-shirt and sweat pants. They say its a little chilly in the operating room. I for one am always cold, but I was plenty comfortable wearing that.

-I am a list person but I have so many things I do each day that I forget things. The drops are extremely important to take, so I check off all the drops I take each time I take them. This way I'm not wondering if I only put 1,2,3 or 4 drops in and what drops was it.

-If possible, max out your health flex and use it on your surgery. The upfront cost doesn't seem so bad since you're paying most of it throughout the year.

In all it went great. It is amazing being able to see again. My eyesight right now is 20/15. I keep thinking that I need to take my contacts out before bed or try to adjust the non-existent glasses on my face. I wish I had done this procedure years ago, but I was a wuss and as a newly wed didn't have money to spare. I also felt guilty as hell spending so much money on myself. I would recommend this to anybody as nothing is more amazing being able to wake up and see across the room and not worry about wearing glasses or contacts and all the crap you have to bring for it.

Monday, March 19, 2012


Tomorrow I'm going in for LASIK...and I'm completely freaked out. I have been waiting forever to get it and had one set back forcing it to get postponed, but I'm entirely freaked out about the entire process. I keep thinking...its my eyes. I pray and hope to God that everything is fine. It is the unknown that freaks me out.

LASIK is something I never thought I would do. It sounds martyr like when I say this (and I'm not trying to), but I don't buy things for myself. Shopping for just me consists of the twice a year when my Mom and I go out for my birthday and Christmas shopping. Other then that...I don't buy things really. I'd rather spend it on my kids, husband, house, dogs or whatever. The last person I spend money on usually is me. I even force myself to get haircuts twice a year because I hate spending the time away from my kids. I literally feel guilty and watch the clock the entire time and often talk myself out of telling them NOT to blow dry my hair because I'm afraid it will sound tacky and I should just take that extra ten minutes. Forking over THOUSANDS was hard...really hard. I talked myself into it after needing $400 worth of contacts, a upgrade with my lens for glasses, the cost of solution and contact cases and the annoying cornea infection I had due to my contacts earlier last year. I figured if I maxed out my health flex spending account and saved a little, then why not. I figured with the cost of upkeeping my eyes that it will easily pay for itself in a few years time.

After I got the consultation, got the approval, got the dialation, paid...I had a set back on my surgery date. At the pre-op they told me that my eyes were dry and I need to do x,y,z to correct it. I followed that plan religiously for the next week never DREAMING that I'd not have surgery. The time came, got my eyes checked and I was told I couldn't have it for another few weeks. Logically I got why. I don't want someone poking around my eyes when they aren't ready. Emotionally it was another story. I was a wreck. I bawled in the doctors office. It wasn't a sniff sniff was an ugly cry. I had hyped myself up so much on this impending surgery and for nothing to happen was just an enormous emotional let down.

Now its just hours before I am getting this and my mind is racing. I'm thinking about the cutting of the flap, being on an operating table (I never have been on one) and them messing with my eyes. I know the result is amazing, but I can't help wonder if something will go wrong. I kept looking at my children tonight silently praying that after tomorrow I'll be able to see them again. Its a morbid way of thinking about something that is completely optional, but it makes you wonder. My kids are my world and well I like having some sight even if I'm blind as a bat without glasses.

I need to meditate. I need to pray. I need to think of how awesome the results will be. I compare it a lot to really don't want to go through the experience, but the end result is going to be worth it. I just pray, hope and wish everything goes well tomorrow. I just want the entire thing to be done with and see well. Pray for me. Its going to be a long day tomorrow....

Saturday, March 10, 2012

The Boy

I read a blog tonight about how Mom's are jealous and a contract for your son's future wife. It is nothing like the well known "Application to Date My Daughter". It discussed how quickly the cuddles will end and how one day they won't want to kiss you front of your friends. Then the article in my opinion went a little astray from there, where it was basically insisting that his future wife call you awesome, think you're awesome, etc., It was basically a guide to kissing butt. I hate nothing more then people kissing each others asses. I don't like brown nosers either. Its fake and it annoys me. I decided to rewrite that blog to be a little bit more realistic for me, so here it goes.....

My son is almost five. He is all boy and loves getting dirty. Tonight he was rolling down a dirt hill laughing hysterically while getting caked with leaves, dirt and grass stains. Its him. He has so much energy, life and such a wonderful spirit. He also loves on his Mom like no ones business. He's mine. Anyone that knows us, knows that Zaichik is more up to what his Mom is doing versus what his Dad is doing. I keep getting told this will change. Some people tell me after he turns five he'll be wanting to do more things with his Dad as boys gravitate more to doing "dude things". I'm sure there a lot of truth in it, but I'm not ready to let any bit of that go.

Zaichik loves giving me kisses and hugs over and over again every time he is leaving me. My husband comments its just his way of procrastinating, but I honestly don't care what my son's reasoning is. I'm soaking it up and loving every minute of it. I know one day he won't kiss and hug me as much. Zaichik is thoughtful when it comes to his Mom. Every time he sees a flower (and I'm not exaggerating on EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.)he either has to pick it for me or show it to me and beams ear to ear when I tell him how beautiful it is and what a terrific find it is. My lap is rarely free as I always have him or his sister or even both kids occupying it. I love hearing the "I want you Mom. I want to cuddle." coming from his little four year old lips while looking at me with those sweet puppy eyes. I always have a lap available for whoever wants to sit on it. I love that when he is out with his Dad or Grandparents that if he gets a treat like a cookie he will also ask if he can have one for me. He just thinks about that kind of thing, which to me is incredibly thoughtful for a kiddo his age. Maybe one day he'll be thoughtful like this to his wife.

I'm busy raising a little boy to be a man someday. I want him to be a gentleman and for him to know how to treat women. For example, call me old fashion but opening doors and letting ladies go first should be something he does. Nothing disgust me more when I see a man knowingly bypass a woman and not hold a door open. Thankfully it's already starting to get ingrained into Zaichik as he often holds the door for people. I just want him to be a loving son, a great friend and hopefully a devoted husband and Dad that treats those around him with respect and love.

As for his wife. I know I'll be a little jealous HOWEVER I will also be overjoyed when he finds that person that he will want to spend the rest of his life with. I hope and pray he has a great relationship like his Dad and I have. We're best friends. We're teammates in life. I hope Zaichik and his wife give me tons of grandbabies to love on. I hope his wife also becomes like a daughter to me. I don't want to be the horrendous, monster in law. I want her to call me, seek advice, and know I'm there for her as I'm there for my son. I don't want her to see me as some judgy, scary bitch of a Mom that she has to deal with on special occasions.

I do my best to have a great relationship with my own mother in law. Sure we had a rocky year the first year I was married to her son. We had a great relationship before I married her son, but there was a time when it wasn't as great. I blame that mostly on her struggling with a huge event that happened in her life right before my husband and I got married. She felt that she was losing everything she knew. I get that. We mended our relationship over time and now its great. I ask her advice on different things, invite her to come over as often as she can and call her a lot. In fact not too long ago we had a three hour phone conversation late one night talking about all sorts of things. She doesn't view me as the person who stole her son away but sees me as her daughter. We're friends. I genuinely love her and look forward to seeing her. We truly are friends and I love we have that relationship.

I know my son will find a wife someday. I know things will change in our relationship. I just don't want what I have now to pass too quickly. I also know that with time there is change. I hope he finds a beautiful soul to bring into the family. I want another addition to the family. Above everything I want my son to be happy. I also hope that he'll always give me a huge bear hug goodbye and kiss on my cheek. While the cuddles won't always be there, I hope he gives me a grandson or a granddaughter that I can cuddle and love. For now though I'll enjoy where we are, the multiple hugs and kisses goodbye, the cuddles on the lap and the occasional flower that he brings home just for his Mama.

I love you Zaichik.