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Friday, July 1, 2011

Where I should be

Today, just as I started to feel better about my contributions to working and all that jazz, I had another moment of clarity. Another moment where I feel like I am not where I should be.

I was on my way to my free lunch with my co-workers. We were having an adult conversation, going to eat an adult lunch and actually have silence in between conversation. I usually welcome that. Hell, that kind of lunch is a treat for me...or at least I thought it was. The saying goes, there is never a thing such as a free lunch.

It wasn't until we passed a day care with children playing outside that I wished I was on my way to get my son so we could play at the various playgrounds we go to. I saw a Mom nearby pushing her two children in a stroller and wish, just WISH I could be doing the same thing. I no longer wanted my quiet, peaceful adult lunch. It was costing me time and energy away from those I love more then life itself.

It is simple really. Not simple minded as some who are pretty simple minded themselves would think. I don't belong where I am at. I'm intelligent enough to train myself, do my best with tech talk and have my boss praise my accomplishments and dedication. I just feel lost. I don't feel genuine. I feel like I am lying to myself every day pretending that doing what I am doing is okay and its not okay.

I know parents who need to go to work and who love to work. Its just who they are and I don't think anything bad about it. Its what works in their family. However I'm the opposite. I'd rather work the harder job being home with the kids. Not missing the bit of pieces they experience throughout the day. I just painfully miss my children.

I'll continue to work hard at what I do. Thats a given. My job right now is to go outside the home. I know its something I must do and I work hard at being an awesome employee. I just wish I wasn't kicking and screaming inside while doing it.

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