Missing Them

I don't know if its the holidays or seeing random things that remind me of them, but I miss my Nagypapa and Nagymama (Grandpa and Grandma in Hungarian). Since their death I of course would think about them from time to time and pray for them. It is just lately I have just had this overwhelming feel of loss for them and while I wish I had them around...I don't know why this sudden spring of emotion has started.

I lost both my Grandparents years ago. One when I was about twelve and the other about six years ago. They really were fantastic grandparents. I felt love from them. They doted on my sister and I and we just felt like their home was another addition to our home. I loved walking through the doors of their home, smelling the faint smell of my Nagymama's cigarettes and getting squishy hugs from them. Its one of my fondest memories of them. It is something so simple as a hug, but having that love and knowing its real means the world to a child.

My memories of them are so random lately. Yesterday I was watching a movie where people were celebrating the 4th of July and holding up sparklers to celebrate. I went back to a memory I haven't thought about in a long time where my cousins and I with my Nagypapa and Nagymama were in their back yard lighting sparklers and celebrating Independence Day. I was just a kid and I could feel that care free emotion a child has. I could hear my cousins laughing their silly giggles and see my Nagymama with one hand smoking and hollering at us to be careful. It is such a silly random memory but a memory nonetheless.

I miss them. I just wish sometimes I could call them on the phone or had the ability to go up and visit them. I wish I could tell them I love them and how much they meant to me. I miss the fact they won't know my children and my kids won't know the love of their Great Grandparents. I miss that I can't hear their voices or hear them encourage me on whatever I'm doing in life. I just miss the fact that there will never be another chance to pull up in their gravel drive way, run up to the door and be greeted with squishy hugs and kisses.

I love you Nagypapa and Nagymama. I'm praying for you and hope you're praying for us.

Millionaire

During one of my outings with my kids, another Mom (a stranger)made a comment I never heard before. She smiled at my little boy and baby girl and said, "you have a million dollar family." Um...excuse me? I inquired what she had meant because I was just stumped on what her meaning was. She told me that because I have both a boy and a girl, its called having a million dollar family. She went on to say how nice it is to have both and how lucky I am. While it was a nice compliment, I told her I was quite happy that God blessed me with two healthy children. I didn't continue with how I didn't care what the sex my children were. I wasn't going make an issue of it. I just never heard the term, "Million dollar family" EVER.

I continued the day as normal with dinner, bath, and bed time stories. That night after the kids were in bed I did a simple google search to see if this lady made it up. She didn't. The definition clearly defines that having both a boy and a girl means you have the million dollar family. While I always dreamed of being a millionaire, I didn't quite dream of it in that way. I know I'm rich in the love and grace God blessed me with in having two beautiful kids. I just never had a preference. I just wanted children. Healthy children.

I honestly don't get preferences in having either sex or one of each. While its nice to have both a boy and a girl, I don't feel like I would be unfulfilled if I had all boys or all girls. In fact I was a bit shocked when the ultrasound tech told me I was having a girl the second time I was pregnant. I almost expected to be having another boy. I just figured I'd have a slew of boys running around my house after my first was a boy. I was happy of course to find out I was having a little girl, but more so that my baby was healthy. Finding out her sex was just an easier way to prepare for her room, think of names, etc.,

I feel rich because I have a beautiful family and something money just can't buy. You can't buy children (legally). All the money in the world wouldn't make me feel as rich as I do now. I have these beautiful kids and I am so thankful for them. You can always have "stuff" but the excitement in a child's eyes and the love they give you is simply priceless. Having a boy and a girl doesn't define the richness that I feel when I look at my family. I just feel blessed that God gave the kids that I do have and pray that I have a few more. Does it matter what sex I have? Absolutely not.

Why not?

One of my favorite people posted a blog recently where she talked about how she used to love doing silly internet questionaires. While they aren't as popular as they once were, I decided why not copy her little post and post my own answers here. Thanks for the fun Friday night idea!

1. Sleep style? I always fall asleep on my left side. Generally I have a pillow over my head. My husband tends to snore and I hate being woken up from it.

2. Right or left side of bed? left side. Generally where ever we are my husband sleeps closest to the door. No real reason. Maybe subconscious thing to protect us if there was an intruder?

3. Soft mattress or hard mattress? We have a hard mattress. Its okay. I'd much rather have a soft mattress. Thinking our next mattress will be a sleep number so we can both get what we want.

4. Top sheet? I hate them. In fact we never make our bed with them because we both detest them.

5. Make the bed in the morning? I'm usually the first one up and out the door but even if I wasn't...it wouldn't happen. There are a million household chores that are high priority. I do make my sons every so often though.

6. Floss everyday? Nope. I got those cool floss sticks and everything. I still can't remember.

7. Floss top or bottom first? If I do....bottom.

8. Brush back and forth, up and down, or circular? All of the above?

9. Brush top or bottom first? Right or left? bottom right.

10. Pop zits? When I have them.

11. Tweeze? Yes but I hate doing it.

12. TP over or under? over

13. Crinkle or fold? Crinkle.

14. Shower AM or PM? Depends on the day and depends how cold it is outside. Sometimes I shower at night so I don't have wet hair when I go to work and its bitter cold outside.

15. Start the shower before you get in? who doesn't? I won't step into cold water!

16. Get in the shower on the side under the flow, or away from it? Away from it

17. Ever sit down in the shower? Often either to shave or just zone out for a moment until I'm interrupted by somebody. grrrrr

18. Face the water to wash hair, or face away? Face away.

19. Soap up everything then rinse, or soap and rinse at the same time? Same time.

20. Soap, or body wash? Both. For the face and more sweaty areas I use soap because it drys up my skin. I also use body wash

21. Conditioner? I have to. Hair is too long. I prefer Herbel Essence b/c it smells so damn good and I love the two in one.

22. Dry off in standing in the tub or out? I dry off in the tub but walk out when I'm half way dry.

Yay for a Friday night survey! What a bunch of weird questions I'd never thought about until it was asked : )

Um...what?

As usual during the work week I picked my son up from his Pre-K class as soon as I got off work. He as usual was delighted to see me and ran up to give me a big hug. He and his friends were just finishing their snacks. My son with a smiley face took me to one of the three tables the kids were sitting at and showed me what they had for snack that day. I smiled knowing how pleased he was to get oranges and wafer cookies. It is a favorite snack of his. I started having a casual conversation with one of his teachers about his day and joking about a silly conversations I was trying NOT to have with a bunch of four year olds a moment earlier when a certain little boy in Zaichik's class commented about butts and how his Dad had boobies. I wasn't about to go there. I have no idea why it was brought up but four year olds will talk about whatever is on there mind...maybe too much....

During our conversation, the teacher and I looked over to see the other teacher with a surprised look on her face. We summoned her over and I said, "If its about butts, I have no idea where that came from." She chuckled a little at that because butts, poop, farts and all those types of things are hilarious to four year olds. She's heard that conversation maybe a thousand times. She surprisingly said, "No, I'm trying to listen to a conversation." We of course inquire what it was about. She replied with, "One of the kids was telling the other kids at the table how he is sitting at a table with no colored people." Our mouths dropped. Um...what?????????????

I was stunned. I'm still stunned. Its 2011. We live in the North where racism isn't as prevalent. Seriously? I don't ever recall hearing those conversations as a young child and we had KKK marches through our city streets and I was a kid. I couldn't believe it. I told the teacher that I don't think he knows what he is saying. Hopefully he wasn't hearing that at home. I mean at this age four years olds don't care what color you are, how you look or anything like that. The biggest thing may be girls vs. boys but that is it. I remember as a child being four and one of my classmates had one eye. His other eye had a plastic piece and it would constantly fall out on the playground. We were always having to look for Lolo's eyeball on the playground. We weren't grossed out. It was just part of Lolo and he was still our friend. We were color blind, disability blind...everything blind just as long as we could play together then it was all about fun.

I'm not sure how the teachers handled that. I left it to them but left them with instructions that if Zaichik ever says anything remotely like that I want to know and that kind of talk is not at all allowed in our home. We respect all of God's children. Thankfully the kid that I think said this is not a favorite of Zaichik's. In fact Zaichik often tells me that this kid isn't his friend. I'm not sure why but perhaps Zaichik just doesn't like this kids attitude. I just hope he isn't being taught this at home. I pray that if the parents hear about this then they correct their child. I just can't imagine teaching a child about "colored" people. Seriously?

I'll be praying for them.

Extended Family

I hate that people are greedy. I hate that people are torn apart for the damnest of reasons and while we can forgive in our hearts, we protect ourselves when people don't every try to apologize for the things they have done. The blog may be a bit cryptic to some but I am sure every family has a story where in one reason or another they are ripped apart. During this time of the year I think about a certain side of my family and can't help but miss them.

In the past, Thanksgiving was the time of the year we would visit my Grandparents in Cleveland. I had a great set of Grandparents that I knew loved me. I felt it, I heard them tell me that they did and I just felt a depth of love every time I came over to their house. I was always greeted by squishy kisses, hugs and they would listen to whatever little worry or story I had for them. I know a lot of people have or had great grandparents that hugged and kissed them, BUT when you only have 75% of your Grandparents treat you with love, you learn to appreciate it a little more. On my visits I also had an Aunt, Uncle and cousins that I loved to see and play with. I felt love from them too. I knew they genuinely were happy to see me and I cherished those play dates where my cousins and I would drive the adults a bit crazy.

After my Grandmother was dead for short period of time, one of my cousins moved in with my Grandfather. While it was thoughtful in the beginning for her to do that, she was also told that she too needed to have her own life and to not put it on hold. She should find a husband and have her own family. I believe it was one of her wishes. Years went by and we would still visit every Thanksgiving. Everything was still at it was minus one Grandparent. As my Grandfather aged he started getting alzheimer and dementia. During one point my cousin who still lived at the house told us we were no longer to stay in the house when we visited. There was no reason why. She just decided she didn't like it. My Grandfather would never want that. We were always welcomed no matter what. Other extremely hurtful incidents also occurred that I don't want to get into.. Things looked fishy. We did an internet search. We found out my cousin got power of attorney over my Grandfather and then got the deed to my Grandfathers house. We had no idea. Our family was shocked.

My Grandfather died Thanksgiving day a few years later. We believe he wanted us to come "home" one more time. We did. It was one of the hardest few days I ever had. It wasn't the loss of my Grandfather even though that was hard, but the insane treatment we received by the other side. There were a lot of incidents but a few come to memory is a cousins daughter kicked my mother during the wake, our belongings were thrown from one pew to another in church during the funeral and we were treated so badly that I believe I had my first panic attack in the restaurant of an Apple Bee's because I couldn't handle the grief of losing my Grandfather and the immense shock of how badly my family was treated. My family had no inheritance because the money that was there was taken. I can get over the money issue. However, I had to beg to get family photos of my family when we were young or even my Mother's wedding photos. I even begged for the pictures my sister and I colored with markers that my grandparents taped to their bedroom wall. We were given a few of them along with a few other items eventually. They were just tokens that meant all the sentiments in the world to us and nothing to them. To this day those memories that rush back are still extremely hurtful. I forgave a bit in my heart but they never thought for a moment they did anything wrong. I just couldn't believe that such a group of loving individuals could turn with such hatred and disgust.

Given all that, I think about them a lot during this time of the year. I swear I smelled my Grandfather for a moment when I was kissing my son the other night as a almost, "hey its just about Thanksgiving" message. I looked up and the smell was gone. I think about my Grandparents and how I miss getting those kisses and squishy hugs. I miss my Aunt talking about her dreams, my Uncle tickling us until we cried and the cousins that would giggle away and just be silly with us. I mourn for what was. I question a lot on why they would ever do this to us. I miss them. I miss my family and I'll probably never have them back. Its sad. The money isn't the issue. There was very little of it as my Grandfather never made more then 10K a year. Its the hurt behind it and the betrayal of what was done.

I'll pray for them. What else can I do? I just wonder if they ever think about us. Do they ever want to reach out and say, "we're sorry"? Maybe it will happen someday. Maybe it won't. I just wish people, especially families would think before acting harshly towards each other.

The Waiting Game

My daughter since birth has not passed her right ear hearing test. It was a shock to me as they took my two day old infant, put the little tube in her ear and with a heavy sigh said, "she isn't passing". I got a somewhat reassured smile from the friendly hospital hearing specialist telling me everything is okay and perhaps there is fluid still in her ear from birth. I decided for now that was what it was as I didn't want to stress too hard about it as I was still in the ICU from severe high blood pressure. The less stress on me the better as any stress increased my blood pressure ten fold. I came back to the hospital two weeks later to repeat the test. I had prayed beforehand and assumed everything would be fine. She failed. I cried. The waiting game began.

We were referred to an audiologist for a more thorough hearing test. When we arrived when my sweet pea was a month old, the audiologist told me the test would take quite a while for all the measurements. As in, I would hold her to keep her still and we would sit there for at least over an hour. I was terrified. I held my sweet little girl and prayed to God and pleaded with him to take my hearing if needed so she could hear with both of her little ears. The audiologist told us to keep her still and fearful that any movement would skew the test, I sat there praying, holding back tears and I didn't move a muscle. If I could of held my breath the entire time, I would of done that as well. When the test was all over and done with the entire right side of my body was numb and completely asleep. Thankfully, the ABR bone test showed that she wasn't deaf. Praise God! It was concluded at the end of the visit that she wasn't getting sound through her ear canal and they weren't sure if it was fluid or something else. The next step was to continue getting measurements for the next three months to conclude she still has a problem as they said perhaps the problem would resolve itself. Again, the waiting game. I had no idea if the bones in her fragile little ear were set right or if she had fluid or something else was wrong. It was the unknown that was terrifying. I couldn't help but worry and I retreated back into my little place of worry and told practically no one.

Three more tests over four and a half months concluded the same thing, she had some sort of hearing deficiency. We were then referred to an ENT to put tubes in her ears. We did. I sat there as my little six month old got carried away by some wonderful nurses and once again held my breath. She was so little, so sweet and so smiley. I hated knowing that she trusted me and they would put her under anesthesia. I also knew it was the best thing I could do for her. I feared so much during those ten minutes I was away from her. What if this didn't fix it? What if she has a delay like her brother because of hearing? The unknowns can make any parent go crazy.

Today we went in for her post tube audiology appointment. I waited again, holding my breath, praying so hard for this little, beautiful angel that was smiling back at me during her exam. The audiologist saw my worry and reassured me the Princess has one good ear. I am thankful for that but of course I want two good ears. After what seemingly felt like forever, she passed. My baby finally passed after eight months of waiting. I held back tears, kissing my little girl. She had no idea the worry her parents had. She had no idea the countless prayers, tears, conversations with God (more like pleading) and reassured hugs I needed from my husband.

I am so thankful that my princess can hear and hopefully this is the end of her ear troubles. Unless something else comes up with infections, language issues, etc., I won't have to see the audiologist again. I feel for any parent waiting on anything that gives them worry over their child. Its the unknown that just sucks. My prayers are with those parents who are waiting on answers. God bless you.

Kindergarten

I'm going to be a mess on Pre-K graduation day and the first day my son goes to Kindergarten. Why? My son isn't attending Kindergarten for another ten months and yet at one of my parents meetings that I attended today for rising Kindergarteners, I started tearing up like crazy. I had to stop the ugly cry with ever fiber I had. I had to think of spiderman, yucky boogers and coming up with formulas for excel spreadsheets. It was about to get ugly and I wasn't about to let a bunch of school psychologists, PAC teachers, counselors, etc., have some of their first impressions of me as a emotional mother. I just can't believe how fast time has flown and how in a few short months, my little guy will be going to big kid school and what a journey it has been to get to this point.

I'm proud of my boy. He's loving, outgoing, sweet, compassionate and so energetic . My son has also achieved great lengths as he has a bit of a development delay. His speech impaired a lot of things and we've struggled through parts of it. We've had the downs with lack of compassion from people that dislike us because of it (I still don't understand that), had to put off teaching Russian to him and every new lesson tends to be a bit harder to teach him because of communication. However, our struggles have had their positives in that we got services to help him, bonded together as a family and learned more from this experience in appreciating the small things much more then we would have had it been smooth the entire way through. He has come so far in learning how to talk and will be shortly coming to a new cross roads where he'll be entering a new arena in life. I worry for him. Not only because of the huge change going from a preschool setting to elementary setting, but also because of his communication delay.

I have done everything I could think of to help give him the tools to succeed in preschool. I think of all sorts of games to help him learn the lessons he needs to know such as numbers, the alphabet, writing, etc., His preschool teacher and his developmental teacher praise me quite often for the creative ways I teach my son the things he needs to learn for school and how often I ask questions and communicate with them on a regular basis. I make a point to talk to both the teachers in his class each day to see how he is doing, where I can help him on and what his accomplishments are. I obviously want to work on the things he is struggling with but also congratulate him on the things he has done well. Nothing pleases my little Zaichik more than to hear his Mom tell him, "good job buddy".

I also pray. I know you must use the tools in life that God provides you, but I have a lot of conversations with God. I have conversations where I thank him for giving me such a healthy, beautiful boy and thankful for the fact he's learned how to sound out a new syllable to the alphabet or finally achieved writing a legible "N". I also pray for guidance and for my son to achieve his set goals before he enters the doors of Kindergarten next Fall. Being a Mom and being how I am, I worry constantly. I want so much for him.

This blog has been a bit all over the place, but in true form as my emotions with my son are high. He and his sister are my world. Everything I do (minus pooing), I do for my family. I want so much for all of them. I want them to achieve their goals, be happy, love and be well rounded. I also want time to slow down a bit because this little person has grown from an infant, to a toddler and now kid all too quickly. I'll miss scooping him up early on the days I can get out of work because it just won't be as easy to swing by and get him. I know I'll cry when my son goes to school. I know he'll do great. I have faith in him, his school and God's guidance. I'll just need to remember to hold of mascara that day.

Home Projects

When it comes to house projects I've been in the "meh" phase for years. I don't know why. I guess I got burned out doing interior design projects while I was in school. I loved the creative aspect to design, but between the bitches and la-de-da of it all I was over it. I flat out didn't care. As long as it wasn't sequenced or neon colors, I didn't care what went on with my home for the most part. Thankfully my husband has good taste and I had glimmers of design wants here and there. I just finally had an awakening to what I want to do with my home. It has been seven years...

This weekend my husband and I picked out paint colors for the main floor of our house. Granted we...I mean he has painted various bathrooms and kid rooms in our house but our main floor has never been painted. We have been living in this house for four years and have been staring at white walls this entire time. It looked like hell. We both finally caved and decided to go for it.

I have about zero painting experience. I started off by myself by painting around all the framing and molding around my baseboard/ceiling. I loved it. Not only was my house starting to look better with each little paint stroke, but in some way it was also therapeutic. Don't get me wrong. I'm not about to attend painting parties any time soon, but just doing my thing, in my bra and sweat pants was relaxing. Seeing the end result of my hallway, now a glimmering shade of green has increased my motivation to a new high. I have thoughts, outlines in my head. I have a flow of how I want things to go. I want to get organized. Not on a nesting level of cleanliness or organization, but more so for design.

I'm excited for more projects. I want to get through painting the rest of my main floor, but I can't wait to change things up a little. I need money...don't we all, but I have tremendous plans now. Time to start flipping through magazines and starting some boards on pintrest!

Old and New

Not our actual church. Visual representation
of a Byzantine Wooden church in Eastern Europe

This weekend will be the last weekend the usual Sunday liturgy will be said in our church. We have a new church that is almost completely built, which is a fantastic achievement especially with a rite so small as ours.. However watching this take place is somewhat bitter sweet.

The old church will remain for daily liturgies or for other liturgies as seen fit by our Pastor. Nothing will happen to it. The structure will stay there. Things will just change. Its strange really that I don't know when I'll be in this small church again. Its my church. The church where I spent many Sundays being dragged to it as a child and actually found my spirituality in as an adult. The church where I said my vows to my husband and where our two babies were baptized, confirmed and given first holy communion to. It almost seems like one door is closing, but really we're blessed. I just feel a tad conflicted. Is that silly of me?

I love the new church in what it means. It means our church is thriving. How many of you in your life time have seen your church (your existing church) being built? The new church is so beautifully decorated like many of the old Byzantine churches in Eastern Europe. The three domes (representing the Trinity) is a truly powerful representation for any church goers or people passing by. I can easily say, I haven't seen a Byzantine church like it. Its build from tradition separating itself from what was once imposed on Byzantines by the Romans. What I also love most about it, our Pastor is letting no one in until the Bishop opens the door for the first liturgy. How beautifully remarkable is that? Can I say I'm kind of glad that no church busy body thinks they have a right to see it before the other faithful? Just sayin.

I know I'll love this new church and make memories there. Its where I'll pray for my babies and have conversations with God. I just think it has to grow on me a little. I'm used to the old ways. I am grateful that our old church is remaining. I never thought I would think this 15 years ago, but my heart would break seeing anything happen to our little, humble church. I just can not wait until I see the inside of the new one. I can only imagine how beautiful it will be. I am looking forward to seeing Icon Screen and the Deacon door, a item my Family bought in order to honor my Dad. I'm ancy, but ready or not I'll be seeing it in less than two weeks!

Time

Lately time seems to be at high speed. There is never enough time for this or that and it seems like since the birth of my daughter that we've been on this fast forward motion for months. Not sure if its because there is an activity just about every weekend or just the juggle of two kids, work, home and couple life or what. It has been insane!

I love being a Mom of two kids. I can handle the work load fine enough. My house is never spotless, but thats how the world is with small kids. I'd rather spend the time with them then sweeping up every little crumb. I've made a lot of time with both of them and found that its important to take time with each of them separately. My son really transitioned well into having another person take over part of his parents attention. Knock on wood, but I haven't seen any jealousy from him since his sister has entered our world. We also make a point on taking him out with us and making little dates rather it be something small like going to a grocery store or hitting up a theme park or visiting a farm with just him. My daughter is young but we do things just with her as well, especially if the other parent has the other kid. We may also go to the store or just hang out one on one on the floor playing with her. I think this is important to do with the kids. It gives them that family time but also build relationships individually without the entire family around. These trips are great and I love them, but they go so fast!

I also have put a lot more emphasis on my marriage. I love my husband. He means the world to me and I don't know any man that does the things he does in terms of housing projects, cleaning, cooking, kid stuff, etc., He just is amazing. I had to learn to be okay with leaving my baby other than just going to work though. It was tough, but I did it. I did tear up and call a million times to her Grandparents, but I survived. I find the importance of having alone time even with the Mom guilt is well worth it. I know one of these days my kids will grow up and move on to their own thing and I want to still know and have a great relationship with my husband as a couple. I don't want to know him just as my team mate in concurring day to day parent activities. We're both more than that even if its the most important job we will both ever have.

Work is work. The job I have now is actually one of the best jobs I have ever had. I work a lot though. Yes I may be late...a lot, but it doesn't stop me from working evenings and even weekends on different tasks or catching up on email. I need to stop being a bit late and stop working after my kids are in bed. I should have my own "me time". I recently read an article saying that working Mothers will have less Mom guilt and have more appreciation of down time if they put the damn blackberry away. I don't have the blackberry but I completely understand what they're saying. I like my job a lot. I just don't live to work. I work in order to live.

Time is just speeding so quickly with all of the activities we're into. I just wish it would slow down. I just wish there was a way to speed up the work days and slow down the family/kid/couple time. I am so thankful and so blessed to have my family. I want to soak up all the time that I have with them. Love you G family!

Romance Changes...or has it?

The other day I ran across a hand written note in my wallet that my husband gave me in 2005. Yes, I have had my wallet that long. It was written a year before we got married, while we were still dating. It was a beautifully written note with an outpouring of love and adoration my husband (then boyfriend) felt about me. Reading the letter made my heart smile. I remember those days. The days of chasing, sneaking phone calls, long hand written notes, lots of dates and fawning over each other. I thought about it for a moment how I wouldn't mind going back to those days for just a little while to appreciate our lone dates and our lack of responsibilities. I wondered if our romance has died a bit as well. Then I thought about it some more and although it has curtailed a bit, its still quite alive.

I remember my husband, my stone faced Russian man singing The Wedding Singer song that I embedded above when we were dating and how I wished all of that to be true someday. It did ring true. He has done that and more for me. I can't tell you how many times he's done the silliest of things to make me smile and how quiet he is on a lot of things but is absolutely hilarious. He has taken care of me on my sickest of days by protecting me from stress and going out during any hour of the day to get medicine for me. The man has fixed our A/C countless of times and made fires in the fireplace whenever I asked just because I was cold. He has given up his coat, socks, and even the shirt off his back when I've needed it and despite my girly request for television that he dubbed boring, he'll sit there and watch it with me. He's no stranger to the kitchen either by cooking lots of yummy meals and doing the dishes without me nagging. I'm no drinker but the times I've had a little more then one drink (which is all it takes to get me drunk) he's taken care of me.

In his letter he wrote in 2005, he promised me a life of love and family which he has given me. I don't care about being rich or having material things. It never mattered to me. I wanted a life where I was in a comfy home, had children surrounding me and a husband that truly loved me. I have it. He's given to me what he promised. We're still romantic in the teenage sense. We don't chase each other since thats a bit hard to do while we're living in the same house, but he does make sure I'm okay where ever I am. We do still sneak phone calls during the day while we're at work. We write multiple emails a day to each other about random things going on in our lives, at work and sometimes to say sorry for being grumpy that morning. We aren't all over each other 24/7 but we still take time for us. We still have awesome make out sessions like teenagers. I still smack his butt while he's walking by from time to time. I still love gazing at him until he asks ,"WHAT???". I love his smell, the way he holds my hand and the way he looks at me with those beautiful green eyes.

Romances changes a bit when you get older, have kids, and responsibilities. It doesn't mean that it dies , at least not if you let it. You have to see it differently I think. Sometimes the random installation of a light or helping you out with a project is just away of him telling you he loves you. It doesn't have to be hand written cards, jewelry and flowers. Love, mature love is more then that. Its figuring out how each others ticks and what we need in life and helping each other with that. It isn't about trying to be something we aren't or trying to fit in with hallmark definition of love. Love is just being there for one another and knowing that in life its you and him against the world.

A Mom Is

A Mom Is:

• Living for the first months of your child's life never having a clean shirt on.
• After meticulously cleaning everything, you look behind you and everything just about has been undone.
• Rushing out after a hard day of work just to start an even harder job so you can see smiling faces.
• Having a stash of secret sweets just for you
• Knowing what love at first sight really means.
• Coming to grips that the body you used to complain about before birth actually was quite nice and that you probably won't ever get that body back. Furthermore, you don't care as much because having a perfect body just isn't as important anymore.
• Your money becomes the kids money and in most cases you enjoy spending that money on them more then you would ever enjoy spending it on yourself.
• Knowing what true sacrifice is
  
• You slap yourself upside the head when you think back about how you "knew everything" about parenting before you had kids.
• You appreciate your parents more.
• You learn how something in your life to do's has to give and usually its your house.
• Sleeping late is 8am.
• Eating out at restaurants gives a whole new meaning to being a talented multi tasker; eating, while feeding a baby, wrangling a child from running away and holding a conversation with your husband all at once.
• Appreciating conversation and a quiet meal.
• Loving something more then you love yourself
• Answering a million "why" questions a day.
• Boogers, poop, pee and vomit are not as gross. It is still disturbing but not as grossly surprising as it once was.
• Getting up half a dozen times from the dinner table before you actually put the first bite of food in your mouth
• You no longer have a first name. You are now so and so's Mom.
• Once you think you've hit your most embarrassing moment, your kid will top it ten fold.
• You appreciate the imagination and innocence of a child's mind first hand.
• You learn the power of what a mad Mama bear possesses.
• Reliving part of your childhood by getting out old favorite toys, watching old favorite kid shows and getting toys for your kids that you wish you had when you were young.
  
• Having zero time for idiotic people that don't forgive or hold grudges. Really? Yeah, I don't care.
  
• Catching yourself Mommying others...even adults.
• Quickly learning bathroom activities are no longer private.
• Staying out late is 11pm.
• Learning who your true friends are.
• Discovering there is a whole new level of tired.
• Finding an excuse to color again and realize how therapeutic it is.
• Knowing that running errands takes twice as long.
• Seeing all babies are miracles
• Finding your voice if you didn't have one before you had kids.
  
• Having deeper empathy and greater understanding of the kind of pain parents go through that have lost their children
• Being able to recite several of your child's favorite shows by heart.
• Catching yourself singing or humming theme songs to various shows like Elmos World, Little Einstein, Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or Imagination Movers.
• Realizing your child is the most hilarious comedian you know.
• Discovering a child become mobile way too fast.
• Realizing God has one heck of a sense of humor.

Where I should be

Today, just as I started to feel better about my contributions to working and all that jazz, I had another moment of clarity. Another moment where I feel like I am not where I should be.

I was on my way to my free lunch with my co-workers. We were having an adult conversation, going to eat an adult lunch and actually have silence in between conversation. I usually welcome that. Hell, that kind of lunch is a treat for me...or at least I thought it was. The saying goes, there is never a thing such as a free lunch.

It wasn't until we passed a day care with children playing outside that I wished I was on my way to get my son so we could play at the various playgrounds we go to. I saw a Mom nearby pushing her two children in a stroller and wish, just WISH I could be doing the same thing. I no longer wanted my quiet, peaceful adult lunch. It was costing me time and energy away from those I love more then life itself.

It is simple really. Not simple minded as some who are pretty simple minded themselves would think. I don't belong where I am at. I'm intelligent enough to train myself, do my best with tech talk and have my boss praise my accomplishments and dedication. I just feel lost. I don't feel genuine. I feel like I am lying to myself every day pretending that doing what I am doing is okay and its not okay.

I know parents who need to go to work and who love to work. Its just who they are and I don't think anything bad about it. Its what works in their family. However I'm the opposite. I'd rather work the harder job being home with the kids. Not missing the bit of pieces they experience throughout the day. I just painfully miss my children. every.single.day.

I'll continue to work hard at what I do. Thats a given. My job right now is to go outside the home. I know its something I must do and I work hard at being an awesome employee. I just wish I wasn't kicking and screaming inside while doing it.

Back To Work

Once I had my daughter, I stopped needing/wanting/asking what date it was. I sort of knew for when my daughter was this week or that month, but mostly I was too busy to care, didn't need to know or didn't want to know. Being a stay at home Mom was nothing but pure joy for me. I can honestly say I have never in my life been busier but I've also never been more content. There was trial and error. There were days when it was hectic, but at the end of the day I was where I wanted to be. I was a stay at home Mom. I just wish I could say that my gig was permanent. This is why I didn't care to know the date some of the time, especially when I knew the weeks, days and minutes was looming closer and closer to when I was going to have to go back to work.

I have nothing against my job. I find it challenging, my co-workers are wonderful, the company itself is the best company I have EVER worked at and the commute wasn't even that bad. All in all, because I have to work at this point in my life the job isn't bad at all. I just felt like I was abandoning my little baby girl and doing something that wasn't 100% me. I was genuinely happy cleaning the house, taking care of a newborn and coming up with fun activities for my son. Some Moms would go crazy doing that day in and day out or feel like they need a greater purpose in something outside the home. It wasn't always sweet smelling roses for me but if you ever felt the feeling that whatever you were doing or where ever you were was perfect for you, you wouldn't want to give that up. I know I'm not the first or the last Mom to feel like this. I just am venting and sympathizing with all moms that goes through this range of emotion.

When I returned to work the first week, I cried. I had some ugly morning cries where I thought I was going crazy. I knew I needed a job to do. I knew that I was given the job that I was at for a reason. It was where I had to be. I knew my daughter would be okay. I knew the teachers she had and the activities she would do (however few because of her age) but it really didn't help. I was and still am in this emotional rut that I keep playing tug of war with. My brain knows that logically I need to work, but my heart aches something awful.

Thankfully I'm able to pull early shifts at my job just to be with my kids earlier. Believe me, I'm not early morning person. I kick ass at whatever I'm doing job wise because that is who I am. However I don't live to work, I work to live. As soon as the clock hits the mark when I can leave, my computer is off and I'm out there almost running to my car to pick up my babies. I am by them as soon as I can. I don't stop at the store for myself. I want nothing but to see the sweet smiling faces of my babies.

I'm going through a crappy phase right now of emotions. I know it will get better as time goes, but the yearning won't. I know where I belong. I know what my dream is. Maybe it isn't big dreams to some, but being with my kids is the best thing I could ever do. I know that in life I'll probably never be rich in terms of a huge house and material things but God has graced me with something more valuable then stuff, I have two beautiful kids. God willing I will have more. I'd always choose children over having that extra designer purse or having monthly pedicures at the salon. Being surrounded by my family is what makes me happy.

So for all Moms out there struggling with what I'm feeling, I get it. I sympathize with it. I wish they had better maternity for our country. I know that going back to work is one of the hardest days ever for some of you. I won't say going back to work will ever be easy no matter how many pictures you print out or how many times you call the day care to check up on your baby(ies). It stinks. The only thing that has gotten me through the hard days is to remind myself I'm a Mommy first and that you're doing what you're doing for your kids. Pray for them during the day. Plan what you'll do with them that day or during the upcoming weekend. Pray for yourself for strength and courage.

Hugs to you all.

Raising Kids

Earlier today a few of my friends posted a link on Facebook on an article about how parents should not dress their girls to look like tramps. I can't agree more. I can't IMAGINE why any parent would dress their little girls in padded bras, thongs, and clothes that most women wouldn't even feel comfortable in. Sure we all wanted to wear them at some point as kids, but we would never DREAM of asking our parents for them and those kids that did got the "death stare" from their parents. It just didn't happen. But why does it stop there? Sure this article deals more with clothing on girls and what it does to their self esteem and other mental health problems but why not discuss raising kids in general?

I am no perfect Mom in any way, shape or form. I get tired. I get impatient. I get damn right angry some times. However with both my daughter and my son, I am determined to raise them as equal as I possibly can to hopefully be the best people they can be. Sure my son won't try to wear slutty clothing, but will I let him wear a shirt that says, "F-You"? I don't think so. My stance on raising kids is sort of like that old country song, "Mama don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys" However, I have no issues with cowboys. I would change that title up a bit to be, "Parents don't let your your kids grow up to be assholes." A little blunt do you think? Well if thats the case, then I got your attention.

I think kids should be themselves. I've raised my son to be his outgoing self. I want him to explore the world he is in. I'm not about to stomp on his personality just because a few parents see him having a little more energy then their kid has. Those are the type of parents where their guidelines are that children should be seen not heard. I have no clue why anyone would want children to act like adults. Children are children. My son is who he is and I'm glad he sees the world with the glass half full mentality and savors as much in as he possibly can. However, like my daughter he will be raised to be sensitive to others, remember his manners in saying, "please and "thank you", ask questions, respect people and love God and family. Hell, he even has started with good old fashion chivalry in opening doors for people. He looks, sees and is learning. He's only three and a half and has more manners then a lot of people I know. He loves to love. He sees people as equals to him. He doesn't pride himself in being bigger or better even though he fancys himself as being spiderman from time to time. He's confident when he knows his space without being arrogant about what he knows. He cares for the people he loves in his own little three year old way. He is the exact person I wish him to be. Sure I wish that he would listen more. He isn't a robot where I can program him to obey my every command. He's a little boy after all.

Maybe my daughter will be quiet. If thats her then thats her. Maybe she'll be as energetic as her brother. I just hope she sleeps a full night like her brother does so I can retain some energy for their energy. I just love his energy though! I hope she sees the world as beautiful without focusing on the evil of what is out there. I wish for her to know as long as she can the innocence of life. I wish for her see and cherish the grace that God has blessed her little family with. She will learn manners and how to conduct herself. Hopefully she'll have fantastic confidence without relying on what is just beautiful but recognize that being smart is important too. I wish for her to feel comfortable without being arrogant. I wish for both her and her brother to look at their parents as a model in what a healthy, loving relationship is. I want the world for my kids but know the simplicity of life.

I want my kids to see and look at people as equals. Not to pride themselves too much but to have empathy for those around them. I want them to help people when they can whether it be a mother struggling to open the door while holding a screaming baby or letting a friend cry on their shoulder. I will not allow them to wear slutty or offensive clothing. They can wear green trench coats if they want (I sure did), but will be taught to not allow their clothing define them but let who they are shine out on the beautiful people they are. My wish as a Mom is not only to someday see my kids fly on their own, but raise them to be confident, loving, respectful, empathetic, happy, energetic individuals that love their God, family and friends. I'm not raising assholes here. I'm raising good, loving people.

Here I Am

I took a break for obvious reasons. Having a baby kind of takes up a bit of time and what time you do have free, the three year old takes up. Being a Mom of two little bits is fun, exhausting, humbling, interesting, awesome, and did I say tiring?

My little girl is pretty amazing. She's a fantastic baby. I hardly hear a peep from her and her complaints are so quiet! She sleeps four hours at a time in between feedings, but takes an HOUR to eat a single bottle. Her Aunt used to do the same thing as a baby. I am guessing using the family middle name (also Auntie's middle name) as her middle name pretty much jinxed her to be a slow eater which is fine since thats the only thing I can really complain about, which isn't much of a complaint. In any case, I'd rather her take her time vs. spit up like crazy like her brother used to because he would slug down a bottle like a veteran frat boy at a beer guzzling contest.

I can already tell her personality is so different then her brothers. I knew this when she was in the womb. She is TEN times more quiet then her brother ever was. She complains only when truly necessary, but when she needs to speak up she certainly makes her presence known. When my son was her age, he was just more active. He was more impatient. When he wanted a bottle, he wanted it NOW.

The juggling bit is more difficult. I really don't venture out on my own. Three year olds are not the easiest to go out with even when they are the only kid and I am just starting to feel good again. We have made it to day care, a store and to other various small outings. Thankfully the big brother is pretty amazing about helping me at home. He really is thoughtful and looks after his sister. He's also EXTREMELY protective. He has to know where his sister is and who is holding her. He makes sure to remind us when his sister is starting to fuss that she may need a bottle, need a change or a paci. He reminds his parents to pat his sister on her back after her feedings so we'll burp her well. He also is pretty amazing at getting his Mom or Dad certain things like new diapers, pacifiers or burp cloths.

On most days I'm busy. I'm always making food for somebody or doing some other activity. I am constantly making sure my son feels included with everything and keeping him busy. I even have him going to preschool for a few hours a few times a week so he gets play time, learning time, socialization and his speech therapy. I know its good for him. Its not always easy getting out of the house for pick ups (my husband drops off) but I know keeping his routine before I go back to work, learning with his peers, receiving his therapy and play time is great for him.

I love this new phase in my life. Its amazing really. Its the hardest thing I've ever done. I'm beyond exhausted. I dream of full nights sleep, but I wouldn't trade this experience for anything. The love in our house has multiplied. I thought my heart was full with my son and husband, but adding to it only makes your heart grow larger and even fuller. I see another side to my husband that I have never seen before. When his son entered the world, he wanted to shout to the roof tops he had a little boy. Imagine the beginning of The Lion King when Raftki held up Simba for the entire kingdom to admire. That is how my husband was. He had HIS legacy. You couldn't find a more proud Dad. With the birth of his daughter he is a lot more humble in his pride. He holds her closer, has grown softer and is already much more protective. It is just fascinating to watch that scenario. With two protective guys in our house, I find it amusing the tough time guys will have when my daughter is old enough to date.

I love my family. I am overjoyed, excited and beyond content. I could not thank God enough for my blessings. I can't wait to see what the future has in store for all of us.

Nesting...At A Whole New Level

Today was a work holiday for me. I just love three day weekends! Unfortunately some plans had to change since my Zaichik was running a fever. He wanted some hugs here and there, but mainly just wanted to be left alone to veg out and watch movies. I figure this was the time to catch up and do some house work.

Last night when I went to bed with crappy cramps/contractions, I was not happy with the state of my house. Sure it can't be perfect. I am certainly not expecting it to be with a kid living in it or me just being in the house. We make messes. I don't have Martha Stewarts house. I have the "lived in" feel. As much as I accept that, I told myself I do not want to come home to a dirty house when I bring my daughter home. I need things neat. My husband cleans up and does a lot, but my pickiness wants it a certain way.

I cleaned for a total of four hours.

I got up before my husband this morning and when he woke up, he found his very pregnant wife on all fours spraying the base boards in my hallway. I don't surprise my husband much. He's quite nonchalant with just about...everything. However he stopped dead in his tracks once he saw me, his eyes widened and asked me WHAT the heck I was doing. The baseboards were dusty/dirty. It needed to be done. He left me to my own vices because we just work like that. Once either of us is on a mission, we just let the other be and on occasion ask if we can help each other out. He certainly did help out, which was awesome as it saved my back. My son even chipped in because you just can't vacuum a house without him participating in the event. Before nap time, I had the entire main floor picked up, two levels swept, swiffered and vaccuumed, three bathrooms cleaned from head to toe, baseboards wiped off, and the kitchen deep cleaned. I was a pregnant woman on a mission. I mostly succeeded.

I had to stop. Seriously, my back and my daughter were telling me ENOUGH ALREADY.

I relish that nap time still exist in my house. My son and I needed it. It was glorious two hours of much needed rest.

The count down is here. Time is flying by. 35 weeks today and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I want her to be healthy, but for the most part I'm ready whenever she is. My house is officially clean....for now.

From 1 to 2

In a matter of weeks, I'll be going from one kid to two. I can't imagine it really. Having our lives completely changed forever. I can't believe I'll be learning how to juggle a whole new set of responsibilities, daily routine, etc., I am SO excited for it. I admit though I am a little nervous thinking about the impending labor, healing, etc., I just wonder how it really will be going from one to two.

Right now I'm savoring my time with just my son. It won't be like we won't ever have Mommy and son time ever again, but it will be different. I know that. I'm taking more naps with him lately, going to bed early and allowing him to sleep for a little while with me (though most nights it is necessary for me) and doing other things that will come a bit harder once the baby comes. I do plan on having Mommy son dates and doing things with just him in the same way I plan to have Mommy daughter time. I want each kid to not only bond as a family, but to have quality alone time with both my husband and I. I just believe that is important.

I am told and I think some great bit of advice is to keep going with the older child's schedule. I remember how much my son's schedule changed constantly when he was baby. My son now has a pretty set role of routines. He goes to bed at the same time every night (with some exceptions), eats dinner around the same time, has activities around the same time, etc.,. I also budgeted and scheduled day care for a couple hours in the morning three days a week so not only does he keep going with his lesson plans, speech therapy, play time with peers, etc., but as day care is a constant in his life, I want to keep that going. I also don't want to give him a huge shock when Mommy goes back to work full time. I'm not overly regimented where I can't be flexible in his routine, but for him it gives him expectations on what will happen every day. I want him to feel secure with what is going on and I believe this will certainly help. My kids are first above EVERYTHING in my life.

I'm also getting more and more nervous about labor. I watch those baby shoes on TLC and will usually fast forward through the labor/delivery party. I guess I'm in denial? I know it will be not the most comfortable time period in my life. I'm looking ahead knowing at the end I'll have a beautiful, (God willing) healthy, little girl. I just wonder what it will be like. How different will it be? Will I have excruciating back labor again? Will I have to push as long? How long will it take to heal? How will I juggle healing vs. taking care of a toddler? All these questions will come to light soon enough, but it does make me a little ancy. I know we'll be fine. My husband is a WONDERFULLY supportive with whatever I need. I just fear a bit of the unknown. I think every pregnant Mom does. I just hope to GOD that since I plan on working until D-Day, that my water does not break at work.

I know I'll figure it out. It will be amazing meeting and bonding with my little girl. I can't wait to see my husbands face when he sees his little girl. I can't wait to see my son's reaction when he meets his sister! I just can't believe that in matter of eight weeks (give or take) that she will be here. It will certainly be another beautiful journey that my family and I have the privilege of taking together. I can't wait to meet you princess!

Holidays

For the past three government holidays, I have been thoroughly enjoying my time off. I usually enjoyed a day off here or there, but I am finally able to appreciate it and not feel guilty for having a day off. Why do you ask? I get paid. I haven't been paid any holiday, vacation or sick pay in two and a half years and I certainly have a new appreciation of it. It has finally given me the ability to REALLY relax.

As I've said I am more relaxed now on my time off. I'm not thinking that the next pay check is going to look like crud or maybe I should work through this holiday if it is allowable. I can sit back, get tasks done in my house and really enjoy my family time without having that impending guilt in the back of my head. I overall feel more motivated and getting an extra day off to rest or work between rest is wonderful. I also can't say enough how much I've enjoyed my time off with my husband and son. It bonds us closer as a family. Having an extra day to recoop is awesome and my son really loves having more Mommy/Daddy time.

My son is a pretty happy kid. He loves to sing, play, dance, etc., He's one of those kids that is game for pretty much everything minus boat rides(at least for now) and things that require high heights. Overall that really doesn't put a damper on our usual outings or going here or there. He loves to bum and he loves to stay at home. If he gets in trouble or upset, he generally gets over it fairly quickly. He just is a smiley kid overall. Today he told me with a beautiful, cheesey grin, "Mom, I have a smile face today." Meaning he's just having a terrific day! We haven't done anything special or bought anything special for him. He's just enjoying his time hanging out with his family and doing things here and there with us. He's been super helpful today and overall has just been a great listener! I smiled and told him I was glad and that I'm having a fantastic day with him too. He was so happy and proud of himself that he wrapped his little arms around me and gave me a gigantic kiss. Man I love that kid. Had it not been for the holiday, I would of missed that.

I'm just thankful for paid holiday. Relaxing holidays. Holidays spent with my family where I can fully appreciate a day off. Its nice knowing you're getting paid so you can help your family. It is why I work! I certainly do not work for pleasure. As I've heard from many people over the years, including a recent Division Chief that gave his going out retirement speech, "No one ever says at the end of their days that they wish they spent more time in the office." Its the simple things like your kid saying awesome things or getting an extra kiss that make holidays even more amazing.

Thanks kid. I've really enjoyed my day with you too. You're pretty amazing!!!

Joe Bug

Today my younger dog Joey (aka Joe Bug) turns eleven. While I knew he was again up there in years (not by his account but more or less knowing that I’m older), I was surprised after doing the math to figure out he’s certainly up there in years!

I got my dog Joey as a persistent plea to my Mom and Dad that my other dog needed a companion. My dog Pepsi, who I had for fifteen years, had passed and my other dog Lucas was left all alone. I think dogs as well as people certainly get along better with having someone else around them. I know my Lucas had me, but as any dog owner that has two or more dogs knows, there is a bond between animals (so long as they like each other) that you just can not give them.

I don’t know why or how I got my mom to give in, but I got Joey in early March of 2000 when I was just finishing up my senior year of high school.. He came from a little puppy store and I found him chewing up newspaper shreds in the corner. His little black nose and soulful black eyes melted my heart instantly. Once I brought him home, I was unsure what Lucas would think of him. Lucas was certainly MY dog through and through. He loved other people, but at the end of the day, he was always by my side. I didn’t want him to feel replaced or dislike my little Joe bug. I was delighted to see after a quick sniff of an introduction, both dogs took off running in a playful game down the hall. They were instant friends.

I got Joey as a young teenager. I was just finishing up my Senior year of high school when I got him. He grew into a long legged dog with a mind of his own. I say this because even though he is the younger dog, he is very much the alpha dog as Lucas just wants to follow and be
loved. Joey calls the shots, tries to sneak in extra treats, etc., He's the one that tells my husband or I when he and Lucas need to go to the tree or to freaking fill up his water bowl again already as he just drank it all and wants more. He barks louder, is the tallest dog and certainly is all boy.

My Joe bug certainly has been a wonderful addition to my life. He has his little quirks about him, but I know he makes sure everyone is where they should be and loves his family (well really mainly my husband and I as my toddler is a bit rough with him at times). He also puts up with a lot of crud from my son. Just this morning Joey was greeted with a birthday morning hug and my son trying to put his pants on him because he thought he needed them. Poor dog. He puts up
with so much, but he’s a good sport.

Happy Birthday Joe Bug. I love you pupperoni : )