My Mama

I had some other ideas about today's topic, and even though I sort of already touched on this subject several posts back, I have to talk about it again today. My mind just says "talk about it already", so I will. It is the state of my Mom's health.

For a cliff notes version of my last post A Sick Parent, basically the problem started with my Mom getting Lyme's Disease. Lyme's Disease is a very brutal illness. In my Mom's case it has messed with her heart and joints. Her joints are getting better. However, my Mom has had to undergo two oblation surgeries, a corrective surgery for her leg because of the oblation, a surgery for a pace maker and then an open heart procedure called the Maze procedure. Needless to say it has been a long three years of ups and downs.

Yesterday my Mom called me to tell me she went to see the Arrhythmia boys (that is what she calls her heart doctors). They informed her that despite of the current medication she is on and has been on that her resting heart rate is in the 140s, which causes her to get tired easily and her hands look a bit shaky. She can hold things but if she is sitting still you can see her hands shaking. That was a huge blow. They will try a heart monitor on her to see how she is doing next week and if her heart is still beating too fast they will try yet another medication. If that fails she will undergo another heart procedure. That is a major blow to the family and especially my Mom who is so sick of seeing doctors and the shear thought of going in for another procedure makes her quite panicky.

Then after watching Grey's Anatomy last night things started to really sink in. Obviously its not the top medical show that does everything correctly, but it still affected me. In the scene where old lady is dying that just wouldn't die for the past three years (she had several false alarms) and when she finally did die, the machines started acting as if her heart was beating. The false hope was only due to the pace maker trying to recharge her heart. Then McSteamy came in with a magnet tool that stopped the pace maker. The magnet tool very much resembles the same one that I used to put on my Mom's wrist for over the phone heart tests when taking care of her after her major heart surgery.

I went to bed in a somber mood last night and this morning I am way out of sorts. I keep thinking about my Mom, the trials, the problems she had. I fear that because of this disease, because of the way it has affected her heart, her life span has been cut shorter. That in itself pains me to no end. I can't imagine a world without my Mom. A woman that has sacrificed countless things for me. A woman that besides my husband is also my rock. A woman that knows my soul, my every being. She knows just by looking at my face exactly what I am thinking and how to act or not act upon it. Its the simple fact that she is MY MOMMY!

I in turn want to Mommy her. I wish I could shield her from this. I wish I could make everything work right. I wish that somehow my husband and I won a bunch of money so she and my Dad wouldn't have to work and could do things that she wanted to truly do like go traveling or tackle some crafts that she enjoys. I honestly wish I could go outside right now and scream.

I hope and I believe that she will live into a much older age. I am hoping my feisty Mom lives to be a hundred. She may, but its just the unknown that I am afraid of. The what ifs that haunt me and poke at my heart. I just want her to be okay. I just want her to not be scared. I just want her to plain and simple only worry about being a Mom, because that in itself is what truly makes my Mom feel the most joyous.

Pray for her.